Seven Dating Tips for Dating the Monstrous and Mysterious

Seven Dating Tips for Dating the Monstrous and Mysterious

Finding love is hard, especially in the time of internet dating, post-pandemic angst, and perpetual gaslighting. Just trying to find someone you can talk to after a late night of Netflix and chilling is a struggle. But there is hope. The world is becoming more open minded. Don't limit yourself to only humans. There is a whole gamut of supernatural hotties that would be happy to take you out for a night on the town. There’s no need to fear that bump in the night, those glowing eyes in the woods, or the shifting shadow in the corner. Your soulmate may be only a full moon away.

Here are seven dating tips for dating the monstrous and mysterious.

  1. Ghosts

If you like spontaneous entities, ghosts are the ones for you. They pop in an out unexpectantly and love to surprise their partners. Be careful not to slip if they sneak up on you in the shower. Fun and good-humored, they love playing pranks by rattling doorknobs and stomping through the hallway in the middle of the night. They’re quite romantic. They love to whisper in your ear and pull down your covers while you’re sleeping. Your relationship will never be boring because they keep you on edge.

The best tip to having a successful relationship with a ghost is to keep an open mind so they can penetrate your thoughts, so make sure you’re honest because you never know when they’ll pop in on you.

  1. Vampires

Sexy and seductive, these lip biters are all about commitment. So much so, they’ll promise you forever and deliver if you let them. Although a bit aggressive with the neck biting, they are all about cuddling (mainly because their cold dead skin needs your bodily warmth). They are usually filthy rich. Lurking on earth for hundreds of years makes it impossible to be broke. They’re always good for conversations under the stars.

The best tip for dating a vampire is to work at a blood bank so they can suck the bag instead of your neck. Be careful. Vampires have the power of mind control. Calling them control freaks is an understatement. They are masters of gaslighting. Also, no matter how romantic and mind-blowing the the night, they always disappear before morning. Beware, they can be very sacrilegious so leave your favorite crucifix necklace at home.

  1. Werewolves

These wild, hairy, baddies are all about raw, hot passion. They are free spirited nature lovers who will chase you through the woods and lick your armpits dry when you get too sweaty. Although they can have anger issues, they are all bark and no bite (unless it’s a full moon). They respond well to heavy petting, tummy rubs, ear tickling, and playing frisbee. Werewolves don’t mind hairy legs or straggly beards. They have a true appreciation for natural beauty.

The best tip for dating a werewolf is to be aware of the moon cycle. Dates under the new moon are when they are at their best behavior. Invest in some heavy chains, for in your basement, when they stay over during a full moon.

  1. Zombies

Not very talkative or intellectually stimulating, zombies are easygoing, accommodating, and quiet. They’re simple creatures; expecting nothing and willing to go with the flow.  Feed them rare meat or hold their hand during an ultraslow stroll down the street and they are completely satisfied. If looks and body odor aren’t that important to you, missing limbs and a little decaying flesh not a big deal, get booed up with a Zombie.

The best tip for dating a zombie is to never lean your head on its shoulder, the temptation to bite your skull may be too much to handle.

  1. Witches/Wizards

Forget a leather jacket and a motorcycle, there is nothing more exhilarating than riding on the back of a broomstick belonging to a dark cloaked prestidigitator. These magic makers know how to conjure up all kinds of adventures. Besides being fashion forward in timeless black and the occasional pointy hat, they are amazing in the kitchen. With cauldrons full of hot stews and bubbling potions, you’ll never go hungry dating them.

Dating tips: If you are allergic to cats or don’t like your date walking around with a staff, they are not for you. Beware, if you break their heart, you’ll be the secret ingredient in their next potion.

  1. Mummies

If you’re into mature partners, mummies have thousands of years of wisdom under their bandages and firsthand knowledge of life after death. They are highly cultured with a love of antiques and ancient relics. Museums are some of their favorite places. Dragging one leg behind, their distinctive strut is eye catching and their lean physiques and high cheekbones are to die for.

The best tips for dating mummies are to give them lots of milk and calcium supplements to help strengthen their fragile bones and to keep lots of fresh bandages and a vat of lotion nearby to help keep their dry skin from flaking off all over the floor.

7. Dragons

Rich and larger than life, dragons got that bag. A ten million dollar mansion looks like a shanty house next to a dragon's enormous, gold filled cave. These tall and hunky creatures rule everything around them.  If you like someone who is financially stable, commands attention, demands respect, and has ancient wisdom, this is the monster for you.

Tips: Keep a barrel of lotion for their scaly skin, plenty of cooling mint for their hot breath, and a supersized toenail clipper for their talons. Also, if you try to steal gold your going to get eaten and not in a good way.

Now that you have the tea on the paranormal, hopefully these tips will help you find your new supernatural bae. Go get ‘em before they get you!

Originally posted as a guest blog feature for Paranormalists.

Photo by Marloes Hilckmann on Unsplash


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